what if God's plan for me isn't my plan for me?

hey guys. it's me. miss control freak.

i haven't written a lot lately mostly because i was dealing with some disappointing news. i was told that i would not be going to africa this summer.

have you ever believed in something so wholeheartedly then to learn that it wasn't reality. well i truly believed that God wanted me in africa this summer. i was looking up plane tickets and planning immunizations and in my heart and soul, i was on my way to africa. until i got that email on february 2nd. as i read it, i almost laughed. like this was some joke. guys, God told me i was going to africa so why would they email me and tell me i couldn't go? i spent the rest of that weekend in a daze. like maybe i would be contacted soon that it was all a mistake and that i would spend my summer loving on those precious children.

what if God's plan for me isn't my plan for me?

i wanted, more than anything before in my life, to be in africa. i even hinged other lacking opportunities in my life to the fact that i would be in africa for a summer. but what if God had something greater planned for me than i could even imagine for myself.

do i have the faith to trust that god cares more about my life than i do?

my mother said something extremely wise that i have been thinking over since i heard this news. when i told her about this, i was so upset because i had put so much out on the line to be willing to go. i have a HUGE fear of losing the people closest to me, especially my family. and it was a big deal to be able to say that i could leave them and have little contact with them for two months. i was heartbroken at this news. and she told me, "maybe God is asking you to have faith and show that, even in the hard times, you are willing to follow Him." God had asked me to step out in faith and put my summer on the line, but that doesn't mean that he was going to give it to me. this was an exercise of my faith. could hannahbeth really leave everything behind and follow me wherever i asked? the answer was yes. i could go to africa if he asked me. so now here is my current test: can i trust that God has a beautiful plan for my life? beautiful in that ultimately my life will bring him the most glory. and the answer is yes. the opportunity to go to africa showed me that i was willing to put myself out there and trust god. not being able to go showed me that i could step back and still trust that God loves me more than i love myself.

so do i believe that i worship a good God after everything? yes. of course. because maybe what he has planned for this summer will result in more glory for Him than if i had gone to africa. and in the end, that's what i want. more than i want to be in africa.